BIRTHDAY MONTH

Gosh I guess I have been MIA or living life or something. Why now Why this moment. Who knows just feeling somethings and thinking things that I am not sure what to do with and what I can do or where I can go to express myself. So I am putting them out there in the universe in cyber land! CRAZY. Anyway just sitting here at the computer getting ready to head towards my pillow and feeling profound overwhelmed feelings. Squeezed my fingers between my eyes and almost sobbed. In lieu of sobbing I am putting my fingers to work on the keyboard! My heart tells me things are about to get crazy again. Why can we not get away from the CANCER wheel? Hubby does not have cancer but he now has low white counts and not enough platelets. All a direct result of all his cancer treatments. We may be looking at a second bone marrow transplant this year... I just want to scream NO NO NO... I don't want to be a poor me/us, cry baby or be THOSE PEOPLE again... The worst thing right now is the mental part for Rich. I see the wheels turning I see doubt, discomfort and uncertainty - just pop into his brain. He does not even have to say anything. I will deal with this again - I will do what I need to do when I need to do it. This is my cyber land contract with myself. All this has nothing to do with my birthday except to wonder what it will be like next year. Truly, I feel like I have finally come out of the last transplant and the passing of Meghan. Mentally and physical feeling like - yes - life is feeling normal again (whatever that is). Thanks to all my friends and Church family and family.... we will get through this again and now I am crying.... Just sprinkling really. xoxoxo